Midnight nocturne

It was again one of those sleepless nights. The tossing and turning trying to get some sleep, to no avail. I stand up and walk to my living room. There stood a piano under the moonlight in all its grace. I caress it slowly and sat down, thinking that maybe playing that piece will soothe my soul and will enable me to get some deserved sleep. However, even if I once learned it by heart thanks to you, somehow, I could not remember where to position my hands to play such a piece. I stand up, walk over to my pile of music sheets, and take out a music book under all of them. The book read “Nocturnes by Frédéric Chopin”. 

I opened the book and thumbed through it until I got to the piece that I wanted, “Nocturne

Opus 48 no 1”, one of the most emotional pieces I have ever played in my entire career. Throughout all the romantic period, composers exposed their feelings through their music, but for me, Chopin was different. He did not compose music; he was expressing his feelings through his music, which is a unique thing. 

I put the music book on the piano carefully and sat down, adjusted my seat, and stretched my hands. It has been months since I played the piano and for a professional like myself, this meant rusty hands. I started an easy warm-up just to calm myself and get a feel. Soon, I started playing that piece. Playing the first few measures reminded me of when I first learned this piece. I was still at music school in Paris, and they assigned us to play a

piece from the romantic period. At first, I wanted to play Liszt, but a certain someone encouraged me to learn this piece. Yes, it was you who encouraged me to play this piece and I do not regret it at all. 

I continue to play, and it flooded my brain with even more memories, like having a hard time learning this piece and receiving your help to learn it. Countless days and nights trying to help each other with our pieces, both from the same composer. I remember you chose preludes to his nocturnes because you felt nocturnes were far too dark and emotional for you but would not hesitate in lending me a hand with this piece that I am now playing ten years later. 

Playing through the middle of the piece was trickier. It required more concentration and that meant that I had to stop having all these memories flood my brain and concentrate on this piece, but my head could not let go. Ever since that incident, I was a completely different person. I did not want any human contact from no one, not even my close relatives. I remember how I was slowly sinking into darkness, how I stopped playing the piano, how I made a mess by throwing my music sheets on my floor just because I did not want to remember that day. The day I lost everything I cared about. 

They remained on the floor ever since that day that I threw them. There is this part of the piece that I feared the most when learning it. I had such a hard time but somehow, I flawlessly get through it while my mind was wandering, while all the crescendos made me remember that day, arriving at the hospital, how desperate I was shouting at the nurses pleading for help, not caring that your blood was on my hands, I just did not want to lose you. All I wanted was to have that cheerful person who loved music more than anything back. I wanted to go one last time to your favourite bookshop in all of Paris, which was an English bookshop and even though I did not excel in Shakespeare´s language, the smile on your face playing the bookshop´s piano, was more than enough. 

Before that fateful day, I was giving concerts all around France. It stressed me out seeing all the audience sitting down just listening to what I have played that afternoon, but as soon as I sat down, I felt how all the stress that I had leavy my body and I started playing. Once I finished, I stood up and bowed, thanking the audience for listening to this poor nervous wreck of a pianist play a few pieces, including this nocturne. 

Every time I gave a concert, you were there, applauding from the front row in the audience wearing this proud smile face, a smile that I wished lasted forever. However, odds were not in our favor and one day you were ill. I just have this faint memory of you coughing up blood and me rushing you to the nearest hospital. 

Playing this last part of the nocturne is hard. This is the part where Chopin poured all his feeling into the nocturne, or maybe I am pouring too much of my own feelings into my playing. After you left this world, I stopped playing the piano. Stopped giving concerts and sank into a darkness that no one could get me out of. I was an emotional wreck and still am to this day, but it was thanks to this restless of a night that I realized how much I needed this. How my body needed me to play this piece in order to find some peace. I finish the last measures and as soon as I lifted my hands from the piano, I realized that I

have been crying throughout the nocturne. The moonlight was shining upon me at this point. I wiped a treacherous tear and stood up to return the music book to where it once was. 

I picked it up and read the music sheet, it mesmerized me how a man could pour so much feeling into a piece of paper, but a note caught my eye, a quote that Chopin himself once said and that you once wrote on this sheet: “Put all your soul into it, play the way you feel”. I smiled, that is exactly how I played it tonight, all thanks to you.